What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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