you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
