i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
