Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
