And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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