I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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