i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
