i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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