Can Purell be used as lube?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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