It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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