Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
