Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
