We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
