You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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