the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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