last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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