Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
