my shit smells like andre
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
