If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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