I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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