take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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