Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
