Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Found your dick twin last night
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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