HIV tests are more positive than that guy
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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