final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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