She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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