nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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