The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
