Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
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