Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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