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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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