she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Randomize
