dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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