Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
