Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
