The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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