The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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