so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
