I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
