I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
