I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Randomize
