Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
