i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i think my mom watched the whole time
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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