Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
then he tried to convert me to islam
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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