my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize