Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize