So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
