I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
