If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
