it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
