I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
