You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
