i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I puked a lego.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
