I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
