I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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