YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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