they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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